Maybe I’m Just Not Cut Out to Be a Dad

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a new dad—my son was born two months ago—and although I hate to admit it, I’m not feeling much like a parent. My wife wants me to be as involved as she is, playing with, feeding, talking to, and changing the baby. But I’m honestly not that interested. I was perfectly happy with the way my life was before. As you can imagine, my wife is rather annoyed with me. So I’ve got two questions for you: Aside from making my wife happy, why should I be involved? And is there something I can do to get more interested in fatherhood?

Those are two great questions—ones plenty of new parents struggle with but are afraid to admit they have. After all, we live in an egalitarian time and men and women are supposed to be equal partners in parenting, and we’re all supposed to fall head-over-feet in love with our babies from the second they’re born, right? Reality—as you’ve discovered—doesn’t always work out that way. The truth is that not everyone is born with the desire—or is cut out to be—an involved parent. And political correctness aside, not every couple is fully egalitarian. That said, there’s another facet of reality that you have to confront: Yes, you may have been happy with your pre-baby life, but you’re in a very different place now, and things will never be the same.
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SIDS: Every New Parent’s Greatest Fear

healthy babyDear Mr. Dad: A few years ago, my sister’s three-month old infant died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. My baby is now the same age, and I’m in a panic worrying that the same thing will happen to him. I’m not even sure I understand what SIDS is and what the risk factors are. More importantly, is there anything my wife and I can do keep my son from suffocating to death?

A: In the U.S., around 4,000 babies die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome every year—that’s about one death per thousand births. That makes SIDS the most common cause of death of children between one week and one year old. Before we get to risk factors and how to reduce them, we need to clear up a big misconception: SIDS is not “suffocating to death.” According to First Candle (firstcandle.org), SIDS is “the sudden, unexpected death of an apparently healthy baby under one year of age,” whose death remains unexplained even after an autopsy.

Unfortunately, despite millions of dollars spent on research, there’s no consensus on what causes SIDS. However, many experts believe that the most likely culprit is the baby’s failure to wake up when a breathing problem (such as sleep apnea) happens during sleep. There aren’t any medical tests than can reliably identify high-risk babies. But here are some of the known risk factors.

  • Certain types of brain abnormalities increase SIDS risk.
  • SIDS is most common in babies two to four months old. Ninety percent of deaths happen to babies under six months.
  • SIDS takes more boys than girls. Multiple-birth babies and preemies are also at higher risk.
  • African American and American Indian babies are more likely than white babies to die of SIDS.
  • It’s more common in cold weather when respiratory infections are more likely.
  • It’s more common in families where one or both parents smoke, share a bed with their baby, put the baby to sleep on his or her stomach, overdress the baby, or cover him or her with fluffy bedding.

Despite all those risk factors, SIDS remains unexplained, which means that most babies who succumb to it don’t fall into any of the above categories. There’s no surefire way to prevent SIDS. But there are a number of proven ways to reduce the risks.

  • Put your baby to sleep on his back. Until about 1994, doctors thought that babies who slept on their back would choke on their vomit if they spit up. It turns out that babies are smart enough to turn their heads. SIDS deaths are more than 40% lower now than before the recommendations changed.
  • Don’t smoke and don’t let anyone who does near your baby. Babies exposed to cigarette smoke (even before birth) are at high risk for SIDS. According to the CDC, chemicals in cigarette smoke may interfere with babies’ ability to regulate their breathing.
  • Don’t overdress the baby. A number of studies show that overheated babies can fall into a deep sleep that’s hard to wake from.
  • Put the baby to sleep on a firm mattress: no pillows, fluffy blankets, plush sofas, waterbeds, shag carpets, or beanbags.
  • Give your baby a pacifier at bedtime. A number of studies show that pacifier use greatly reduces SIDS risk. That may be because it helps keep airways open or because pacifier-sucking babies may sleep less deeply. But does it really matter why?
  • Encourage your wife to breastfeed. Research shows that breastfed babies are 60% less likely than formula-fed ones to die from SIDS. They also tend to be lighter sleepers. Plus, breastmilk strengthens the baby’s immune system, which is always a good thing.
  • Don’t panic. SIDS is a devastating, horrible experience for any parent, but try to remember that 999 out of 1,000 babies don’t die of it.

Photo credit: Unsplash.com/Giu Vicente

Sex-Starved Dad: Don’t Get Your Hopes–Or Anything Else–Up

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a new dad and love everything about fatherhood. But my marriage is fraying. Our baby’s birth was uneventful and my wife’s OB told us that we could have sex again after six weeks. He’s eight months old now and my wife and I have had sex exactly one time since the birth. That’s it. I’ve tried talking with her about this, and her response is that she simply has no sex drive anymore. I’m 27 and my sex drive is pretty healthy. I feel bad bugging her to do something she apparently doesn’t feel like doing and I don’t want our relationship to end over this. I’m trying to be as sympathetic as I can, but is it normal for women to lose their sex drive for this long after giving birth? Is there anything I can do to increase her sex drive?

The reason most OBs tell new parents to hold off on having sex for those famous six weeks is that it usually takes that long for the woman’s body to recover. But that six-week guideline can lead to unrealistic expectations, which in turn can lead to resentment and relationship strain. Sound familiar? The reality is that plenty of couples take as long as a year to get back to their pre-pregnancy and pre-baby sex life.

Here are a few of the many factors that could be putting a damper on your wife’s sex drive:

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Is My Baby Antisocial?

baby back - google - okay to modify and reuseDear Mr. Dad: My 7-month old baby is happy and playful when he’s at home. But when I take him to my new dads’ group (yes, that’s a real thing), he seems to have zero interest in interacting with the other kids. The same thing happens at the park or anywhere else where there are other babies. I’m worried that there’s something wrong with him or that I’m doing something wrong. Is there?

Sounds to me like the only thing that’s wrong is your expectations. Until babies are about 10 months old, they’re generally not very interested in interacting with other humans except the ones they see every day and who feed them. It has to do with something called “object permanence.” Let’s say your baby is playing with a toy. If you gently take it away and replace it with another one, he won’t protest. And if you cover it with a blanket, he won’t look for it. As far as he’s concerned, it no longer exists.

But in the not-too-distant future—usually at about 10 months—you’ll notice a dramatic shift. His out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality will gradually fade as he discovers that, gasp, objects continue to exist even when he can’t see them. Now, he’ll protest if you take away something he’s playing with, he’ll get excited when he sees a favorite toy, and he’ll look around for it if it’s not right in front of him. He’ll also start paying attention to other babies.

Paying attention to other babies doesn’t mean interacting with them, though. Babies typically do what’s called “parallel play,” meaning that they’re perfectly happy to play with a toy while sitting next to another baby, but they might as well be in separate rooms.

To adults, babies engaging in parallel play look like they’re ignoring each other. And if that’s all they’re going to do, what’s the point of getting them together? The point is that it’s a stage they have to go through. Although you may not notice it, those babies are occasionally glancing at each other and they’re taking mental notes on how to steal each other’s play techniques. Today’s fleeting interactions are laying the groundwork for tomorrow’s lifelong friendships.

It’s a slow process, so don’t expect too much too soon. Over the next year or two, it’ll look more and more like little kids are playing with each other, and you may even notice some behavior that will seem very much like cooperation and sharing. It won’t be. What you’re watching is actually a live-action play called, “Toddler Property Rules in Action.” It goes like this: “If I see it, it’s mine. If I’m holding it, it’s mine. If you’re holding it and I want it, it’s mine. If you were holding it and you put it down, tough luck—it’s mine. Once something is mine, it’s mine forever so don’t even think about trying to take it from me.” Like parallel play, these rules are a normal part of child development. It’ll be a while before they can imagine that other people might have feelings.

Despite all this, there are a few things you can do to help your baby develop friendships.

  • Keep putting him in situations where he’ll be near other babies.
  • Don’t expect them to play together: Plop them down next to each other, give them toys, and step back.
  • If your baby is shy, withdrawn, or gets fussy, don’t force the issue.
  • Limit these “play dates” to a few minutes.
  • Praise anything that looks like sharing or pro-social behavior, but don’t expect to see too much of it.

photo credit: en.wikipedia.org

 

 

Interfaith Marriages: There Is Hope

Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I are in a religiously mixed marriage. Before we had kids, it wasn’t an issue and we usually just did our own thing. But ever since our daughter was born, everything seems a lot more complicated. Each of us is committed to our own religion and to our marriage. How are we supposed to raise our children?

Well, there’s good news and bad. The good news is that you’re not alone. Before getting married, fewer than half of interfaith couples discuss the religious upbringing they plan to give their kids, and 80 percent say that having “the same values” is more important than having the same religion, according to Naomi Schaefer Riley, author of “’Til Faith Do Us Part: How Interfaith Marriage Is Transforming America.” Interfaith marriages are getting more and more common. Back in the 1960s, only 19% of marriages were interfaith, according to a new Pew Research Center report. But among couples who married since 2010, 39% say their spouse is of a different religion (and 49% of cohabiting couples are in interfaith relationships).

The bad news is that, according to Schaefer Riley, interfaith couples are significantly less satisfied than same-faith couples, and that the more religiously active spouse is usually the unhappiest one.

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Do You Read Me, Baby?

reading to newbornDear Mr. Dad: I have a two-month old baby and I love to read to him. My wife thinks I’m wasting my time and that there’s no sense reading before he starts learning words. Is it too soon to be reading to my son? If not, what should I read?

You’re definitely not wasting your time. In fact, reading to your child is one of the most important things you can do. Admittedly, for the first few months, your reading won’t seem to be having any effect. And it doesn’t really matter what you read: a Wall Street Journal article, the menu from that Chinese takeout place down the road, or your high school calculus textbook. It’s not about education. Besides being a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to snuggle together, the goal is simply to get him used to the sound of the language and to have him associate reading with comfort and fun.

“When children have been read to, they enter school with larger vocabularies, longer attention spans, greater understanding of books and print, and consequently have the fewest difficulties in learning to read,” writes Jim Trelease, author of The Read Aloud Handbook. If that doesn’t convince your wife, try this: 60 percent of prison inmates are illiterate and 85 percent of juvenile offenders have reading problems. I can’t guarantee that reading to your baby will keep him from getting arrested 13 years from now, but there’s no question that reading is an important habit to develop, and there’s no such thing as “too early” to start.
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